Craig James is running for the United States Senate.

I'm not exactly sure what sort of joke should preface a statement like that, and quite frankly, I'm not sure you can appropriately segue into something as utterly ridiculous as that sentence. Sometimes it's better just to let it stand alone. 

Craig. James. Is. Running. For. Senator.

Did anyone else just flash randomly to one of the water tower scenes from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" Craig James, who could easily be mistaken for mentally challenged in his own right, is doing his best Arnie (DiCaprio) and aimlessly scaling the political "water tower" with no regard for the danger it presents. Fully expecting Arnie to fall and the plot to thicken, we're left sadly disappointed at movie's end.

This time we want blood. A little slip-up, Craig, that's all we ask.

Where are the hookers, Craig? Outside of the resting place of Jimmy Hoffa, it might be America's favorite murder mystery. Don't play games with us, everyone knows that EVERYTHING on the Internet is true.

How would you reform Social Security, Craig? What's your position on North Korea? Seriously though, where are the hookers?

The world is sitting on pins and needles. We simply can't wait to see how this mumbling idiot handles the campaign trail. We know he can go negative, just ask Mike Leach and Bruce Feldman about that, but where does Craig James stand on the issues? Is Craig James aware that there are any issues?

There's no doubt that James would fit in quite nicely with the seedy underworld of politics, and if his AP ballots are any indicator, I think James might be the perfect person to balance the national deficit. At this point, it'll likely take some sort of shoot-from-the-hip formula to dig America out of the hole, and Craig James definitely has some nonsensical understanding of how numbers work.

One-loss Boise State..... no way they're better than a three-loss Georgia team they beat in Atlanta by two touchdowns, right? If Craig James can make sense of that, he can make sense of anything. 

I'm serious everybody, this is not a joke. Craig James is running for a seat in the Senate of the United States of America.

I guess we should all be thankful that foundation-wearing princess Jesse Palmer isn't a natural-born citizen. Compared to Craig James, he's qualified to run for President. Maybe this is all just another step in the direction of ESPN world dominance. Drop the "sports," they'll stop at nothing less than "Worldwide Leaders."

James for Senate, Bilas for Attorney General (he was a lawyer in case the generally smug demeanor didn't come across), Berman for Secretary of Defense (he likes the sounds the planes make), Lou Holtz for Ambassador to Israel (I assume he's speaking Yiddish), Corso for Supreme Court Justice (typically the first ones to die), and Bill Simmons for President (he practically runs the place anyways.)

Seriously..... Craig James is running for Senate.